a well-adjusted pessimist

I wish I could say I’m terribly busy doing awesome things that benefit the world around me, but I’m really busy doing small things that mainly benefit little Remy, who’s my world right now. We’re about 6 weeks out from his Birth Day and are kind of falling into a rhythm. We’re settling into our new normal and loving it.

Remy still isn’t breastfeeding, well, he’s drinking breast milk from his special feeder, not from the tap. We went and saw the suck specialist which turned out to be 5 specialists: a doctor (some sort of pediatrician), an occupational therapist, registered dietician, speech therapist, and one student who’s specialty I didn’t catch. Fortunately, the deep/wide palate issues and inability to suck have resolved. Remy’s grown into his big mouth. And Remy sucks big time now. LOL! Ha ha, he sucks. Now, the lactation consultant thinks he refuses the breast for some other reason, like a traumatic birth experience or the fact that he just likes drinking out of his special feeder. We still practice breastfeeding and he latches just fine, but he doesn’t nurse. The lactation consultant gave me some cups for him to drink out of so I can wean him off the special finger feeder, but it’s been an exhausting week so we’ll get started with that in a few days.

Remy started sucking his thumb recently

When the 5 suck specialists were presenting their findings to me I was moved almost to tears. A lot of breastfeeding moms at La Leche League, my midwife, the lactation consultant, a ton of you guys have told me I’m doing a great job with trying to get my son to breastfeed. It’s nice to get a compliment, but at some point it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. The suck specialists started out the results by saying, “Let’s go over Remy’s strengths.” I almost laughed. He’s 5 weeks old; his strengths are crapping his pants and crying. Do you know what Remy’s number one strength is? Invested family. Me and OccDoc. Somehow knowing that I’m considered one of Remy’s strengths really impacted me. Just reframing the whole ‘you’re doing a good job’ compliment totally made my day.

Once life calms down I plan on writing a post on Remy’s special feeder/finger feeder and the infant cups since most people have never seen them before. Thanks for your patience!

Family Photo

Oh, yeah, I’m still around. We were supposed to see the suck specialist last week to figure out why Remy isn’t breastfeeding, but I came down with mastitis and had to reschedule. Um, in case you are wondering mastitis is less than awesome. Painful boobs, high fever, barfing, basically feeling like death. I do not recommend getting that. In fact, you should go out of your way to avoid it. Sigh, we get to go suck next week.

Remy in OccDoc’s aviation headset

The update is more of the same. I’m still pumping every 3-4 hours, my supply is back up since the mastitis. I had a bit of scare when my supply dropped off after I got sick, but I’m getting back to where I need to be. Fortunately I have a ton of frozen milk in the freezer. Remy and I still ‘practice’ breastfeeding every day; he’s just not that into it. He’s seeing the chiropractor twice a week to get his neck straightened out. Things are looking more promising every week, so I’m fairly certain one of these days he’s just going to latch on like a champ (Remy, not the chiropractor). Then when I’m not pumping or torturing Remy with my nipple/practicing breastfeeding we’re using our finger feeder to feed Remy. It takes about 45-60 minutes for him to eat 2-3 ounces, depending on his mood. Every three hours the cycle repeats. Practice, pump, feed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Remy wrapped in my baby blanket

My goal for every day is to do one thing. Yes, I know, I have lofty goals. Today I washed diapers. And as a bonus I emptied the dishwasher. Blogging just doesn’t factor into things. Do I want to blog or hold and stare at my baby? That baby is going to win every time. OccDoc is holding him now. My days may sound lame, but I have never been happier. I still have to pinch myself to make sure this isn’t a dream, of course no need to pinch myself at 3 in the morning when Remy is screaming because I know for sure that isn’t part of a dream. But overall I have really been enjoying having a little human depend on me for everything every waking moment.

This photo cracks me up!

Things are good. We’re still settling in, but things are good. Priorities are shifting. Remy and OccDoc first, everything else is a distant second. Sorry, everything else. I might be back one day. For now, please enjoy a few photos from Remy’s newborn photo shoot. If you’re in Colorado Springs I would highly recommend Tina Joiner Photography.

Another photo that cracks me up

This is the photo I used on Remy’s birth announcements. Love this shot!

Did you know there are people who specialize in sucking? Maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation getting to me, but I find that hilarious. Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to my posts in the last few days. I still have not mastered being able to pump and type on my phone yet, and my computer lives in the basement (this is the 5th time I’ve been down here in 2 weeks). Today I was hoping for a great update to post, but the update mainly sucks. Ha ha.

We’re continuing the pumping, supplemental feeding with expressed breastmilk, and (futile) attempts at breastfeeding. I was hoping the lactation consultant would have a magic bullet for us now that Remy is stronger and bigger, but she’s almost out of tricks. And, before you ask, I’ve seen 3 lactation consultants; the one I’m currently seeing is the best in the region. I’m working closely with the local La Leche League leader and attending meetings. My pediatrician is a member of the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine. My midwife is tapping into her network to come up with different ways to help. Our chiropractor is already seeing Remy and working on getting him straightened out. I have a ton of support and a lot of people are working to find a solution. Oh, speaking of support OccDoc, poor sleep-deprived at work OccDoc, has been nothing short of heroic the past two weeks.

In a couple of weeks we’re going to a Feeding Clinic to have Remy evaluated. A ‘Suck Evaluation’ if you will. He’s already had his mouth measured and frenulums (frenuli? There’s 3 of them in your mouth) checked. He’s a bit bigger now so anatomically he can latch on, just chooses not to. Or he latches on and quickly falls asleep and falls off before he gets any milk. Or he just screams at the mere thought of having to touch me. Who knows what the problem is. But, apparently, the problem is bigger than just a sleepy or lazy newborn, which is why we need to see a person who specializes in sucking.

I know a lot of you have told me there is no shame in formula feeding and I agree wholeheartedly. I must admit I’m not being this stubborn for just Remy’s sake. I feel like breastfeeding, in some way, will give me some sort of validation for my broken ass body. Like it’s the last ‘womanly’ thing my body can do right. My body couldn’t get and stay pregnant without massive medical intervention. My body had a rough time being pregnant. My body couldn’t give birth naturally, although my mind was pretty stubborn and tried for 3 days before giving into medical interventions. I feel like this is the last thing I have on my checklist of pregnancy/birth-related things that my body should be able to do. I’m not ready to give up yet. My body will not fail me yet again. It’s not the mommy guilt or really any outside influences fueling my drive to breastfeed – I feel like it’s the last chance my body has to ‘make up’ for the last four years. Oh, and plus, breastfeeding is like working out without working out; I’m loving eating dessert and still being able to lose weight. Again, thank you all for your support, and I’ll try to update as I get a few free moments.