The last several Christmases that weren’t exactly jolly for me. Last Christmas I started bawling uncontrollably during mass (a very crowded mass and the last one I’ve really attended) when reflecting on what OccDoc had been through in order to be sitting there 5 or so months pregnant with the Rembryo/The Fetus later known as Remy. Not a few tears down my cheek, but big, fat tears with a slobbery, snotty pregnant lady nose. And not quiet either. A hot mess. The Christmas before I sent out Christmas cards that had a small embossed piece of holly on them with the word ‘SHIT’ in green at the top. That was just after our first loss, and I wasn’t in the mood to be anything but devastated. The Christmas before that OccDoc was deployed, so that kind of sucks. And so on.
I haven’t exactly been the holliest or jolliest during the holiday season, mainly because a lot of holiday activities and whatnot are geared towards kids, and being infertile during the holidays is really hard. Oh, and I worked in retail too many years, so pretty much all Christmas music annoys me, no song as much as All I Want for Christmas is You, which is a terrible, terrible song, Mrs. Wookie. I know you aren’t supposed to be thinking about yourself and your sorry state of affairs during the holidays, but I did/do and I know a lot of other people who do, too. This year, this year is so much different.
This year we have Remy here with us, in the flesh and not floating around in my abdomen anymore. He’s only 8 months old so it’s not like he ‘gets’ what’s going on, but just his mere existence is enough to help me start to ungrinch. We put up our Christmas tree this year while Remy napped, and it was so fun to bring him downstairs to see the tree and all of its lights after he woke up. This may have been a mistake because he’s slightly obsessed with playing with the tree. The other day I was even singing along to a Christmas song on the radio while dancing with Remy around the living room. Craziness. Anyway, it’s been many Christmases, but I’m finally happy enough to ‘get in the spirit’ of things. It’s a nice change of pace. And if you’re having a rough holiday season due to infertility, deployment, or a whole host of other shitty things my heart goes out to you.