a well-adjusted pessimist

I haven’t been sleeping fantastically in the past week or so (traveling always does that to me), so guess I caught up yesterday. I’ve never been one for daytime naps unless I’m really ill, but yesterday I slept the whole damn day away. It was nice, but kind of annoying that none of the laundry got done whilst I snoozed, damn-good-for-nothing dogs. I was rudely awaken a few times when I rolled over. I’ve got one sore spot from the progesterone injections, and when I say sore I mean hurts like a mother fucker. All my other spots where the injections were have been bruised, massaged, and heating padded into submission, but not this one. Eh, oh well, I like sleeping on my left side better anyway.

Yesterday the headaches also started. Not headaches from any of the medicines, oh no, withdrawal headaches. For all my other cycles I cut my caffeine consumption down. Normally I have a mug of coffee in the morning, while I’m on cycle I do a half of a cup. Since this is the last ditch effort I stopped cold turkey and am drinking herbal tea. Probably not my best move, but whatever. I know, I know a half of a cup of coffee doesn’t really matter, but I’m doing everything humanly possible this cycle so if that means I’m decaffeinated for 2 weeks then so be it. I mean I’m hoping it’s for longer than two weeks, but time and the beta will tell I suppose.

So, yeah, I was unaware that all transfers weren’t painful. Who knew? My normal doctor was out-of-town, so I saw one of his partners.

Let me start from the beginning, OccDoc and I left early to have a nice lunch downtown before heading to the clinic. The food was delicious as were the mimosas. What? I thought I was supposed to be relaxing. I arrived at the clinic yesterday with a really full bladder and dashed into the bathroom to empty it before anyone could stop me. It was going to be a solid hour before anything was going to happen, so I know I could refill in that time. My acupuncturist met me at the clinic and I had my pre-transfer acupuncture session. After the needles were removed I met with my regular nurse and the doctor came in to introduce himself. I’ve never talked to him before, but I’ve seen him around the clinic plenty of times. He told us that one embryo survived the thaw and one did not. I was happy with that; one’s better than none. And the best quality embryo was the one to survive (5bb survived, 5bc did not). I signed all the paperwork and was permitted to take my valium.

I changed into my hospital gown, blue bonnet, and booties and was quickly positioned on the table. Then came the best part: being covered in warmed blankets, I love that part. My favorite medical assistant was going to be doing the ultrasound so I couldn’t have been happier. The embryologist came in to verify my identity and we were off. Good thing because by that time my bladder was really full again. I got slightly nervous because I remember my second transfer was excruciating due, in part, from my full bladder (you must have a fullish bladder for the transfer). But this time it was a breeze. I don’t even think I was even uncomfortable during the procedure. Definitely nowhere near being in pain. They put some hcg into my uterus before the embryo was transferred and told me all about a study that recently came out. I guess they were telling OccDoc since I was off in la-la land. Anyway, after that I had my post transfer acupuncture session and OccDoc took me home.

Today I plan on lounging around the house, i.e. couch rest, which I can do since I’m off of work for a few days and I don’t have to fly anywhere for a funeral like my last transfer. I’m reading The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore. It’s pretty thick so I’m sure it will keep my busy for the next day and a half. I might take a short walk and make some breakfast souffles for quick breakfasts that can be grabbed out of the fridge. But that’s pretty much all I have planned. As I look around my office I might actually delay cleaning it until tomorrow (or never – we’re moving soon, why bother cleaning?).

It’s hard not to compare this transfer to the last one. The last transfer I wasn’t hyper aware of my symptoms mainly because I was flying to Chicago to be at my aunt’s funeral, but I do recall when I started cramping (I thought it was from walking too fast in the airport), when the nausea started (I thought it was from crying too much. Yeah, seriously.), when I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep my eyes open (I thought it was from being out-of-town and staying with relatives – my family is exhausting some times), and all the other symptoms I brushed off. I’ve never been one to stress during the two week wait and I haven’t really been on ‘symptom watch’ but this time I think it will be hard not to notice ‘symptoms’. My first beta is on the 27th so I don’t have that long to wait.

Again. We’ll be headed for the clinic in the early afternoon for the frozen embryo transfer. I’m as relaxed and distressed as humanly possible. I think we’ll leave early to get a bite of lunch in town before heading in for the transfer. Then I’ll meet my acupuncturist for a pre-transfer session and she’ll be waiting to do a post-transfer session. My doctor wasn’t available today, so I’ll have a different doctor. I know some of his patients so I’m not too concerned. At this point I could careless who does the transfer just as long as they’re competent.

So, yeah, there you have it. It saddens me a bit that this has become so routine that I have very little excitement, nervousness, or anticipation. But, truth be told this will my fourth transfer (2 fresh, 2 frozen) in 9 months, it should be routine by now. And considering the previous outcomes (negative beta and 2 chemicals) I kind of understand my lack of excitement. I have hope, but hope only gets you so far.

Until tomorrow, people, when I post a half-assed recap of my transfer. What? I’m just being honest.